I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize