Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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