I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I think your dad took our porno
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Sext me about skeletons
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
