sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Randomize
