Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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