I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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