If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
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