and my herpes radar will keep us safe
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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