New invention idea: vibrating tampons
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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