cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
