I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I just want to make out with him forever
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
