I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Randomize
