I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
