Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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