Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
