Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
