Four minutes until I can fart!
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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