he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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