just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
