Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Randomize
