there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
