This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
