I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
