it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
