im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
a search helicopter?!
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Randomize
