I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
