my mouth tastes like poor choices
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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