i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
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