i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
