And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
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