I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize