I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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