Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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