I must be too annoying 4 u.
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Apparently you make a good broom.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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