I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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