Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
this just has baby written all over it
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
My dad just said "fuck circus"
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize
