So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
