he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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