Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Randomize
