o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Randomize
