I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
