Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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