mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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