I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Randomize
