I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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