I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
