how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
my shit smells like andre
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I pour the whiskey from now on
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
