he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
