U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
