hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
