Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
from now on my penis is your penis
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Randomize
