I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
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