I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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