Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
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