I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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