ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
