dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Randomize
