so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
