dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
You've changed since you got that strap on
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
