There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Randomize
