I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize