I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
is wine microwaveable?
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
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