apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
