What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
